let it go, if not greater things will not come.

today was the 1st YA svc of 2009. yay. (:

i rem during LOUD camp i prayed for a sign or an answer as to whether it was meant to be. and i guess i must've been blinded by my own feelings that i missed the signs. or i guess i fell into the same mistake of conveniently overlooking the signs.

anw during altar call today, though i was really sleepy, smth roland said really caught me. if you dont sacrifice or let go of smth [that youre holding on to and u know u shdnt], then God cannot give you the greater things that He has planned for you that He wants to give you. and i thought, ya huh.. truewell.

and the smash came when i was talking to michelle in the car. or more like, she was talking to me in the car, cos all i could manage were meek "mmm"s. cos i knew if i said anything else my voice would give myself away.

but i guess it's a confirmation. or shall i say, it IS the answer i've been praying for, and it came very timely, in the beginning of 2009. if i let it drag on, this would be the 4th year. 3 coming 4 yrs of nothingness and empty false self-created hopes is just not wise and sure to fall flat on the ground. since it's still the beginning of 2009, i cannot let this tie me down this yr.

during LOUD camp, one of the words given to me was to pursue greater heights. and thanks to michelle, it dawned upon me that this is one aspect of my life that i havent fully surrendered to God. yet. and it's really hindering me from pursuing greater heights. more like, it's an emotional burden thats tying me down, disallowing me from rising higher.

and it's blinding me. not cos of any external causes whatsoever. but because of myself. there was nothing to begin with. but with tainted glasses, for 3.5yrs i saw everything as a lie. too long. too painful. but for that latter 1.5yrs  i was foolish enough to let it drag on and continue deceiving myself.

but i've been in it too long to find out where to start to let go. where? how? when? i mean, i think i know, but the human side of me that still wishes to cling on to the last strands of non-existent hope is gripping on to it really tightly. and since i cant seem to cut away the attachment. i have to commit it to God to deal with.

i dont want 2009 to be a back and forth thrust of confusion, pain,uncertainty and self-delusion. it has got to breakthrough.

during this period of time, i really have to work on my inner self and produce a better version of me for someone whom i have not met. thats only fair, cos i really hope and pray he's doing the same thing for me whom he has not met. if it's meant to be, it will be mine. if not, i have to move on.

the friends around me have been silently hinting to give up on it. and i finally am willing to let go. i finally see the bigger picture that was always there, but i nv got to see it cos i was so so blinded.

mum asked the other night, do people really cry over love? and i asked her. havent you? and she said, yea...... but after that i realised how dumb i was. then i said, but at that very moment it must have been painful. it doesnt matter what u think 10 or 20 years from then. it's how you feel at that very moment that matters.

if people knew how things would be like 20 years from now, im sure they would or wouldnt have done a lot of things or felt certain things. but the catch is, we DONT know how things will be like 20 years from now. or even tomorrow. so if u dont embrace the present moment, when, then, will you? to laugh or to cry, to cherish or to love. you only have that moment in life to do it. time wont come back to you.

so i'm glad i did love. it was smth to remember that i did. smth to remind me that i was once foolish. and i'm glad it was unreturned. cos if not i wouldnt have realised 3.5 yrs later how dumb i was, and i wouldnt have found my way closer to God.

to someone i once loved. (:

to someone i havent met. im getting myself ready for the day when i do. (:

i cant believe i just wrote all that. but i guess it's smth i must do. to be accountable, and for it not to just remain in my heart, unspoken, to be thwarted by time.. the memories will remain, though. it will remain like this, not found out, not admitted, not known. safe.   

and no, im not talking about arashi or aiba chan! hahaha.. im into my 6th yr of arashi fandom. wow. they rock  

meredicks. 040109. 0259h.

Sirius ~ Arashi